Needs are things that are either essential or very important for healthy life.  For example as an organism, humans need oxygen to breathe, live and reproduce. In everyday speak needs are often freely interchanged with wants but the two are different. Needs are distinguished from wants in that not meeting a need leads to suffering or other clearly negative outcome including as with oxygen, death.   Some needs are physical and objective in nature such as food while others can be subjective and psychological such as the need for recognition.

In psychology, need gives us purpose, driving us towards action and goals. So needs drive how we show up, what we do, what we say and how we act.

The most widely known academic model of needs is one proposed by Abraham Maslow in his 1943 paper “A Theory of Human Motivation”. Maslow proposed that people have a hierarchy of psychological needs:

• physiological needs (breathing, food, water, sex, sleep, and homeostasis),
• need for safety and security (health, employment, resources, property),
• love and/or belonging (friendship, family or romantic attachments and sexual intimacy),
• esteem (confidence, self-esteem, achievement, respect) and
• self-actualisation (creativity, spontaneity, problem solving, acceptance and morality).

^{“Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in where nature may heal and cheer and give strength to the body and soul.” – John Muir}

Manfred Max Neef a Chilean economist known for his fundamental human needs model on the other hand, based his research and observations by living and researching the poor and approaching the topic from the perspective of working with development of the Third World communities.  Fundamental human needs according to Max-Neef stemmed from the human condition and were constant through all human cultures and time periods. What changed across time and cultures were the strategies used to satisfy the needs.

In this model there are nine basic needs:

• subsistence,
• protection,
• affection,
• understanding,
• participation,
• leisure,
• creation,
• identity and
• freedom.

What appeals to me most about Maslow’s work is that he chose to study the healthiest students and the exemplary people rather than ill subjects and I really like the work of Max Neef because it filters out a specific cultural, socio-economical or ethnic bias and presents needs as something that equates the king with the pauper. As the wise saying goes “Love makes kings into paupers and paupers into kings.”

You may think the two models have a lot of overlap and that would be true. However, what distinguishes the two models is that Maslow’s needs are hierarchical in nature, human needs are more like a system where the nine needs interact with one another and are interrelated. It’s a minor but important distinction because in my experience it divides people into two camps: the Maslow client is one that will work systematically, step by step towards self-actualisation, and will not for example be willing to take a risk with their career or business until they feel safe, have sufficiently robust plan B in place etc. A client that follows the Max Neef model will feel comfortable working on all needs simultaneously or will prioritise them in a way that is subjective and unique to them alone.  Of course to a specialist binning people into two groups is a gross over simplification but as a coach I find it helpful in understanding the client better and working at the edge of their comfort zone instead of my own so that they are in a safe but challenging space.

So what now you may wonder? Or, how can this info help me?  If our behaviours are needs–based, and the needs are pretty much hardwired into us, this leaves us going about the world trying to meet our needs either consciously or unconsciously.

In my experience as a coach, many people including myself are surprisingly unaware of what they truly need unless they stop and think or reflect on it. Often in a leadership programme I run when we do this segment of work, people voice massive realisations and can’t believe how enslaved they have become to needs they didn’t even know they had. It is not surprising. Today’s busy, commercial and superficial world is regularly telling us what we should want and what it thinks we need but only we can tell what’s real and what’s not. And that’s part of our inner work.

Let me illustrate this with a practical example. For some time I worried about how I would pay my bills if I went freelanced as in my mind it didn’t feel safe and yet steady employment carries about as much safety as working for oneself. In fact showing up to a job may in fact be more risky because one assumes safety where in fact a company may fold leaving us unprepared for what’s next whereas when one is self-employed, one is always preparing for times when work may decrease.  When I took time out to think about this I realised that the need for safety could be met far better through a mixture of different work some of it more stable and predictable and some of it more creative.

Some people couple up with another person to create more safety when in fact they may leave themselves vulnerable to that person leaving them and being heartbroken in the process. This is the basis of unhealthy relationships that we can find ourselves in when we go on auto pilot and forget to question what we really need and what will make us happy in the short as well as long term. So, what’s key in our modern, fast world more than ever before, is to become a conscious decision maker and to get to know yourself well. In other words, everyone can benefit from as much personal development as possible. So for example, by reflecting on the needs above whether that’s Maslow or Max Heef, you will be able to decide how to shape your life so that you meet your needs most elegantly.

For example, two people may seek out a romantic relationship, which for the first person meets their need for status, and therefore esteem– they matter to someone – where in another person the relationship is designed to satisfy their need for deep and meaningful connection with another soul through love and belonging or ultimate freedom because they give their heart to someone willingly. A troubled employee insisting on more regular catch ups with their manager may be doing this because they want understanding or connection, or they may in fact be driven by a need for growth or esteem – proving to their manager and themselves they are capable. One person’s lack of trust in a relationship may arise from their need for having more certainty that their partner won’t leave them no matter what or their need for even stronger need for connection that in their eyes isn’t being met.

As you can see while needs will drive behaviour, the precise need that may be responsible for what we do or how we are will differ and may result from a combination of needs we have met to date as well as those we have not met yet and whether we follow more of a Maslow model or Max Heef.  The bottom line though is that when we are unaware of the actions we take to meet our needs, or fail to pinpoint actions that help us meet our needs elegantly, we risk taking actions that are messy and potentially damaging in the long run and sometimes even at the time leaving us with regret, grief, sorrow and disappointment. In other words, by being less conscious, we risk being highjacked by our needs instead of being in control of them.  Both being ‘in need’ and meeting needs through less than effective means can create additional suffering and pain that could be, in my view and experience, avoided which is something I’m very passionate in helping my clients do by facilitating their personal development journey and raising their self awareness.

So having read this article, I’d like to invite you to undertake a bit of valuable personal work right now with these four steps:

1. Take a moment to consider each of the needs above and note down what they mean to you right now.
2. On a scale of 0-10, where 10 is being met fully, score each need for yourself to take stock.
3. Go through each need in turn, and examine how you generally tend to meet this need?
4. When you finish step 3, go back through your needs and ask yourself how would a person with lots of wisdom meet each need.

You may find that you are totally on top of things and your needs are in check or you may find yourself desperately needy making a lot of short cuts and choosing quick fixes to help you out. It doesn’t matter. By doing the work, you will have taken an important step towards becoming a captain of your own ship and being free!

Congrats!

Come back next month to read about how we develop behavioural patters and how those patters imprison us and cause suffering and most importantly how to begin to set yourself free from that as well.

I wish you peace, joy and daily satisfaction.

^{“I offer you peace. I offer you love. I offer you friendship. I see your beauty. I hear your need. I feel your feelings. My wisdom flows from the Highest Source. I salute that Source in you. Let us work together for unity and love.” – Mahatma Gandhi}

Many people get highjacked by their needs and experience suffering and stress. Achieve personal success in a healthy way by getting to know your true needs. If you would like some help understanding your needs check out Enough! or book a 1:1 session with me. If you enjoyed doing this exercise on your own, you may want to get your copy of Get Productive! which contains many exercises to help boost your productivity through greater self-awareness and clarity of thought.

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After watching talented, passionate people across many areas of life be undone by obstacles I decided to do something different and build a programme that focuses on hard work and skill. We do motivation as well but it’s not just hype! There is great suffering when our dreams fail to take off because we are ill equipped for the journey or too lacked in a specific perspective to notice things derailing. Enough will support participants in developing self-awareness and mastery of specific skills key for leadership in today’s world. For more info about the programme please e-mail: *protected email*

In the meantime, I invite you to learn more about Clinfield and to read this meaty blog for ideas and tips about how you can get unstuck and take your leadership to a new level.

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If you like the talk please share it with your friends, family and colleagues. I hope it inspires you to a different way of life we all deserve.

Magdalena

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It took me some time, a lot of time to write Get Productive! In some ways, it took years of experience, trying out exercises with clients, trying things out myself and putting together a toolkit that I felt could help people not only get things done, but also build resilience, clarity and feel more in control of their lives. As a person passionate about sharing learning, that’s a goal I was enthusiastic about working on, however hard.

Get Productive is a series of progressive exercises that can be done independently of one another and in short amount of time equip the reader with awareness and clarity of thought to be more productive. For example, one exercise called the Emotional Palette I designed to work with people dealing with difficult emotions or who wish to build more resilience. Like, mindfulness, many of the exercises are short and simple and yet, incredibly powerful.

My clients and those who read the book agree. In fact the book enjoys great reviews in UK and US. But living in UK, it is difficult (even for an American) to spread the word about the book in US which seems so far away geographically even with Twitter and Facebook at my fingertips. Or maybe, it’s the combination of the whole world experiencing a perpetual economic austerity where buying another book is seen as a luxury that many people who really need the book, just won’t give themselves.

So thinking about the current book sales in US especially in relation to the power and span of Amazon, got me feeling blue and disappointed. I felt writing a good, practical book that will give people life skills, should be enough. There were the occasional high points. Get Productive was ranked in the top 50 entrepreneurial books in US and there’s a number of colleagues and coaches that are using it in their own practice and workshops. And yet, the overall numbers still are relatively small.

Normally my mind would think about strategies to solve the ‘problem’ but lately there’s been enough problems to solve, good friends to support through their life challenges, practicalities to deal with including a second attempted home burglary that the ‘problem’ room literally began to feel like the spare room. I bet you know what I mean.  That room we also call the attic or junk room; cluttered and in need of a massive clean out and yet one peak at it made me want to run the other way. So feeling a bit overwhelmed and blue was normal.

I felt tired. Tired of having to work very hard and feeling like every step of it took so much work that most of my colleagues and friends never notice.

So, I decided to go for a meal in one of my favorite neighborhood restaurants and leave my blue thoughts behind. If only! They came along though. Maybe I should have invited company.  An extrovert ideally so they could fill the space with their problems (hahahaha!). Instead, I went alone. I like my own quiet time occasionally.  It helps me reflect, synthesize and just give myself a short pause. But as some of you will know, creating a pause in your thoughts whether they are positive or not, is not easy on demand, especially when we are feeling sorry for ourselves. All through dinner I kept ‘thinking’, my brain chewing over the blue thoughts of disappointment pulling in other negative thoughts along. Until desert or in my case a cheese plate arrived and the Eureka!

The cheese plate featured three Italian characters each with its own flavour and seductive power leaving me in pleasure of their unique nutty, creamy, rich taste. I sipped the wine, and enjoyed each of the cheeses in turn. The whole experience lasted about thirty minutes but it felt a lot longer. And when I was done, I noticed my blue mood lifted. The simple pleasure of getting lost in tasting cheese lifted the heavy thoughts. By the time I cleared my plate, I ended up chatting with the staff and learned about their gossip on another very snooty restaurant around the corner, their experience of working there and their wise perspective on the value of people whatever their backgrounds.

I enjoyed our chat tremendously and even got a shot of Limoncello Italian liquor on the house. As I walked home my blue thoughts felt laughably light. They were floating high up in the clouds of thoughts. Still there but certainly not oppressing. There was no problem to solve. Get Productive is doing well in UK and it’s still shy of a year of existence. We don’t expect a lot from a one year old.  In this significantly more resourceful mood, my mind employed one of my own productive strategy called Power of others which involves asking others for help.  I’m going to get in touch with my friends and colleagues across the pond and seek their assistance in spreading the word.

So why am I writing about this? I’m sharing this simple anecdote to inspire you to stay present and resilient against negative thoughts. Don’t let them capture you away into a spiral of negativity.

Depression is a condition describing a range of moods from occasional blues to persistent and life crippling feeling of perpetual dark cloud.  However transient, depression can rob a person of energy, interest, and enjoyment of life. And in recent months, I am seeing more clients who come into my practice because they are in fact feeling low in their life. About 10% of the population will experience depression each year according to a number of national and international reports on mental health. The world Health Organisation forecasts that by 2020, depression will be the second disease affecting our economy and lives in a major way. Many of the exercises in Get Productive can help you manage your mood, will help develop awareness that builds resilience and clarity that can protect you from depression.

So can mindfulness techniques. For a good course on mindfulness please see this Live Work Well website.

What I learned this week is that staying in the present moment doesn’t have to mean mediation and chanting mantras to be effective. Any pleasant, however unexpected experience will do the job. And isn’t that what life is about in the end. Our ability to enjoy what is or to choose activities that give us joy.

The time to build resilience is now! Be preventive or tackle the little niggles before they become massive junk rooms. Get a lot of cheese and wine.  Pick up a copy of Get Productive on Kindle or paperback and stay positive, informed, and in control of your life as much as that’s possible. Be well!

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So making a change will require some effort or work. It will take focus and conscious thought. A real awake choice.

The brain is built to run on autopilot. This is both healthy and allows us to divert attention and focus to specific tasks for prolonged time when we choose to do so. We focus through conscious awareness. Just think how your brain learned walking. At first it was a struggle. You had to pay real attention to each move you made. Most likely you fell down many times. Your brain learned how to take each step, how to work the legs, how to calibrate each stride and how to navigate the stairs and any other obstacles in your way. And now, you can cross a park a million times and never notice it or yourself walking. You can get from point A to B on autopilot. You can be in what we could call an awake state of sleep.

How many of us actually do that. We can get up, make a cup of coffee, shower and do a gazillion other daily routines without paying much attention at all. This way of being conserves energy and is time efficient for sure but it has its limits. Now imagine, we pass our partner in the kitchen in our awake sleep mode. Maybe we say a quick good morning or ask them if they also want a coffee, give them a quick peck and continue on with our own mindlessness tasks opening a computer, eyeballing headlines, being in ‘our’ world. At some point we may hop into a shower, get dressed, make something to eat and then give our partner a lift to the train station ALL on autopilot. We can and we are built to not give it much thought even though it may well be the last time we will ever see them, even though this morning will be gone and we can’t actually get it back. After all, our partner may be going into another city with it’s own dangers and roads to cross, streets to navigate and people to interact with. And we, ourselves, face loads of potential dangers and obstacles staying behind. We can have a car crash for example, or an altercation with our business partner. And we can move through much of this space unaware and largely not in control of it until something happens and we are forced to react.

This seems a rather crazy way of being to me. Life is precious. In fact it can end at any moment. So while the factory can largely run on its own, occasionally and especially when it comes to the people in our life, we really ought to pay attention. This means being awake and turning our full focus onto them. Noticing how they move around our space. Noticing the little crease wrinkle on the right side of their mouth from the way they slept. Noticing how it feels when our hands intertwine in a real connection of two people being awake as opposed to being asleep and doing it by habit.

Choosing to become awake in a moment that we both now know will pass but which we can live and share together. Yes, it takes work. Maybe even sacrifice. Being awake demands our full attention. It means we must make certain choices. We can choose to put away other ‘important’ tasks or thoughts in favor of a real person: our partner, roommate, friend, colleague or neighbour and become awake to their presence, their significance, their being. We can park our career demands for a weekend together, or to cook a meal.

To love someone else requires that we make the person a true priority. That we don’t take them for granted while we sleep thinking it is ‘they’ who should love us because we’re so lovable in our waking sleep. Those who have not learnt this lesson can’t partake in a meaningful exchange of love that can grow into something real. And while at first it may look like hard work, the payoffs are nothing short of marvelous. For to love and be loved beats all the riches we can accumulate, fuels our drive to live and helps us develop wings to soar ever higher.

My February blog celebrates all those who have already achieved that state of wakefulness in their relationships and sends hope and inspiration to those in deep slumber. When people give each other a diamond for engagement, I wonder if what they are really recognizing in another person is their own ability to remain awake because they realize that this other person is nothing short of a miracle. It is their soulmate and while there may be others to repeat all these sleepy routines with, this person, this partner deserves a lot more. He or she deserves that we stay awake for every second, minute and day we have together.

For useful exercises to help you exercise your attention check out my book Get Productive. People in your life deserve better! As do you!

The post How to enjoy healthy and meaningful relationships appeared first on Make Time Count.

1. Ask for help – however far you’ve come and however smart you think you are or think people expect you to be ask others for what you need
2. Stay tall and aim to raise your standards all the time
3. Find your niche of support and tap into it often

1. Ask for help

When I was doing my PhD at Caltech there was an unspoken rule that it was okay to look ‘stupid’ and ask ‘silly’ questions in the first year because you were new, you didn’t know very much and you were surrounded by people that were really smart! For those of you familiar with the American PhD system, you will know that unlike UK, an average PhD can take 6-7 years. Getting a PhD is training your leadership as such study demands that you embark on a journey of discovery, form a hypothesis, study yourself up to become an expert on a specific topic and achieve all of this in a relatively short amount of time. But most importantly doing a PhD also requires that you connect with other people and learn from and with them.

One of the best things my PhD helped embed in me was to ask for help all the time when I felt I needed it. This doesn’t mean giving up and let other people solve all your problems or do your work but certainly not allowing myself to dwell in false leads, darkness and so on purely from some false sense of pride or ego state that would say it’s not okay to ask for help because I should know the answer. And I think this is a vital practice. Today, working with leading scientists and creatives, I see that those that succeed are able to take responsibility and chart their own course by asking people along the way for advice, help, and support. No one gets anywhere alone. In fact on all my programmes, one of the very first exercises people do is map people in their network they can turn to for support as well as map support they can offer other people. So if you have a dream or an idea for something, and feel you don’t know where to start, connect with other people. Ask around. Before you know it, you will be doing things you never thought you could.

2. Stay tall

Last year, Suki Chan a digital artists asked me to participate in her installation 100 voices and offer a nugget of wisdom. I was uncertain up to the very last minute about what I would actually say and in the end resolved to let the energy of the moment be my guide. Once in the recording studio and faced with a microphone and her question about what I want to share with the world, I ended up talking about being a tall poppy. I don’t know who originally coined this phrase but tall poppy syndrome describes what happens when someone seems to grow taller or stand out in some way against their peers. This puts a lot of pressure on the person and draws a good deal of attention to them. So there are two dynamics that often occur in this scenario. The tall poppy feels uncomfortable and tries to play small to fit in and the other poppies try to pull her/him down as well because they feel a lot better when everyone is more or less the same.

Tony Robbins, a famous motivational speaker and performance coach has a lot to say about this topic and urges people to hold their standards high by 1. understanding this dynamic and 2. holding high standards. I agree. Tony says that when people around you notice that you’re excelling in some way, they simply don’t want to lose you so they don’t welcome  or support the change in you. They may discourage your new fitness routine or your business ideas or that new job you want to try for.

Similarly, as we don’t generally like to displease those we are close to, we will stop aiming high enough to limit the gap. It’s sad but in fact everyone loses.  I see this happen a lot with leaders in their early to mid 30s.  So, my second piece of wisdom is to stay tall and find yourself people that are in fact taller than you so that you have a buffer and can stay true to your dreams. This means that introducing even one person that you admire, that is further ahead of you in some way, more wise, experienced etc, into your circle or network will have a massive impact on your life and what you achieve.

3. Find your niche

To succeed leaders and visionaries need fertile ground and support. This comes from being in the right environment. This is why people choose to work in certain places, study at certain institutions and why some people become our friends for life while others come and go. So, my third tip is about developing even more purposeful connection with people that you have things in common with.

Finding people that motivate you, challenge you, sustain you and help you celebrate your achievements is vital for realising your goals. These are the circles where you pick up useful information, can assess your progress, learn valuable skills and where you are likely to be inspired.

Finding your niche takes time and experimentation. You may need to try a few before you will find ones that do the job. Everyone talks about networking these days but few can do this well. Networking without purpose leads to  loss of valuable time and can feel odd and fake. But when you’re in the company of people that share your challenges, your values, are in pursuit of similar goals, all of a sudden you find you have lots on common with them and conversations flow naturally as does support. So get out there and connect with people who are after similar things as you.

As I hope it’s evident to you, each of these insights relies on making connections with other people. Taking that first step is vital. It will feel hard at the start but trust yourself. Ask a question, share your dreams with those that will listen, call a meeting of minds. Some people say the world is filled with mean, selfish, terrible people. This has largely not been my experience. For every person in need there are two whose generosity will touch your soul and restore your faith and belief in humanity. All you have to do is take the first step. Get in touch with me if you don’t know where to start! I wish you a great 2013.

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If you chase two rabbits, both will escape.- Unknown author

Decisions are nothing more than mental processes that help us select a course of action or belief state. Every decision making process whether conscious or unconscious will produce a specific and final choice at any given time, though some choices can be refined or revisited and re-evaluated.

A number of techniques exists for making decisions that are commonly used in everyday life:

• pros and cons which aims to list or summarise advantages and disadvantages
• cost analysis which aims to weight the benefits versus losses of a decision (often in terms of money)
• simple prioritising where one lists and ranks alternatives according to highest probability of working out
• polar opposite consideration where the opposite decision is considered and evaluated
• coin flip or other technique to emphasise randomness
• astrology, tarot cards, revelations, dreams etc
• giving up responsibility for decision making by relying on or allowing others to decide on our behalf.

A ‘No’ uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a ‘Yes’ merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble.– Ghandi

Common stages of decision making process

• identifying that a problem or decision point exists
• brainstorming options and/or identifying competing drivers
• examining motivation for various options
• making a judgement
• following through with action/decision
• reflection on action taken to aid learning.

The quality of decision is like the well-timed swoop of a falcon which enables it to strike and destroy its victim. – Sun Tzu

Because the brain is involved in decision making both in terms of rational/cognitive centres as well as emotional areas of the brain, there are many biases that can pollute good decision making. Here are some common biases I notice in my client’s reflections on actions/decisions they have taken:

1.  confirmation bias – paying attention only to facts that support their conclusions, seeking out information to confirms the view taken, failing to see alternative explanations
2. premature decisions – accepting the first thought that comes to mind
3. cognitive stuckness – conscious unwillingness to change one’s mind even in the face of contradictory facts
4. wishful thinking – a tendency to see the good in things and ignoring the facts
5. memory distortions – subtle and overt changes in how events are recounted that begin to support the decision
6. temporal bias towards more recent events that discount past history and the complete picture
7. group think or other form of peer pressure to confirm opinions held by a group often family or close friends
8. illusion of control or need for control where the client makes decisions as a way to build confidence or assert control over an uncertain situation that makes them uncomfortable and highlights areas for development.

Choices are the hinges of destiny – Pythagoras

Each of these biases can result in poor decision making, regret, further erosion of confidence and further unhelpful pattern repetition unless the client becomes aware of how they make decisions consciously and begins to pay attention and notice these effects so that they can correct for them. A coach can do a great deal to assist a client in doing just that! This can be achieved through:

•  reflecting what the client is doing and how
• challenging the client’s thinking or reframing what is presented to correct for these biases
• asking questions that help explore these biases to provide a more balanced thinking landscape
• spotting and working with behavioural patterns and biases that crop up into client’s life often.

The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows. – Buddha

As life is a result of many choices that can seem minor and inconsequential at the time and yet add up to years of poor decision making, awareness about how one make choices, what guides decision making process, what is the process one fallows are good questions to explore in coaching.

The mind has created many shortcuts to save us time from making what appear to be simple decisions such as what to eat for breakfast etc. And yet, in the race or laziness to not think about some things more rationally or even consider the underlying reasons for some of the decisions we make each day, the mind can cheat us out of good things in life and cause unnecessary suffering. Whenever regret shows up in decision making it’s a sure sign that decision bias was at play causing faulty thinking.

Why do we have to listen to our hearts? Because, wherever your heart is, that is where you’ll find your treasure. – Paulo Coelho

As I work on my next book, I am reading many fascinating papers in psychology and neuroscience about how we make decisions and I look forward to sharing what I learn with you via my reflections and insights combining evidence based studies with my experience of coaching practice.

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Yep. I know you may not agree. You may look around and think you’re struggling, working yourself out and hardly have any time left to enjoy this so called easy life. Maybe the person you love let you down and told you you’re not their number one priority and it crashed you to bits. Maybe you just lost your job and are worried how you will ever find another one. Maybe you look in a mirror and think how can anyone really ever like me. Or maybe you have a million other excuses and counterarguments to offer against the above statement. The truth is. Life is actually pretty easy on the whole. Most of us have people that love us way more than we give them credit for. People that will give us shelter, food, encouragement and friendship. In the rat race for some higher standard of life, maybe the chance to shop in fancier stores, drive a better car, own a larger house, we forgot that what really matters is real human connection. The idea that at the end of a busy day, we all want to have someone to come home to. Someone to greet us with a warm, generous smile, give us a hug, make supper with us and make us feel like a millionaire. So it is us, most often than not, who complicate life and make it hard.

2. Success takes smart work and balance

Many people work super long hours mistakenly thinking the longer they work the more success they will have. Data tells us this is simply not true. Not all work is the same. Focused, productive work gets us somewhere. The rest…well that’s just wasting valuable time. This is especially true of people working for themselves. Unlike a regular job which traps people into specific working hours and on-time train journeys, running your own business gives you freedom to be productive and not be a slave to a clock. When I work with someone 1:1 we have one rule: 1 key activity that takes you towards your success per day well thought out and masterfully executed. If there’s a lack of skill or knowledge we work on that. It’s making time count for you, not against you. That’s it! Then rest, enjoy life, trust that life will take care of you as well. Doing more is actually counterproductive! It keeps you away from the very things that matter: other people and enjoying the present moment. It keeps you in a box of your own ego. Stuck and pretty unhappy to come back to an empty house with no one to love you. So work smart and then give your life a chance to grow and delight you.

3. Relationships are the most valuable thing you have

Businesses come and go, as do jobs and wordily possessions but you can never bring back the intimate moments of having quality time with your loved ones. I don’t mean the breakfast mornings where you’re checking your iPhone or the times when you worry whether you’re having as good a time as you possibly can be or the mile long strings of texts we exchange with our friends and loved ones. These actions are a great way of cheating yourself out of life. When you spend time with someone, be there fully. Focus on that person and take in all their wonderful qualities. Their strength, character, personality and love for you. Honour it. And reciprocate it. Include them in your world and connect for real. It may last 5minutes or an entire afternoon. If you’re there in body, choose to be there in your mind as well. They deserve that of you.
Nothing kills time together like people wiping out iPADs and computers and multitasking you. Would you do that to a visitor you had? Of course not. Why would you ever do that to your loved ones. Make time for them and make time for your work. And if you can’t balance the two, then you have work to do. Learn how. And do it fast before they decide you never will.

4. Nothing ruins trust like misalignment between action and words

Whatever you say – be consistent. We have all been there. People telling us they had a good time only to slate it later saying they didn’t enjoy it. People telling us they love us, and yet watch us suffer and cry or worst yet never ask how we’re really feeling and how they can help. People making promises and letting us down. Misalignment comes about when we lack clear priorities in life.  In relationships with others, it will undermine trust and safety. If you’re not sure of how you feel – take time out. Don’t punish the other person with what ultimately is your own work. It’s not fair to both of you. And it can cause unnecessary harm. Be honest. Be willing to work. Be willing to ask and offer help. i recently overheard a conversation between two women complaining about each other’s partners. I did wonder whether they were really making the most of their time together mutually venting. Surely the best person to talk to about what they were each feeling would be the person in question. As it was they were causing damage on all fronts. Disrespecting their partners, disrespecting each other and disrespecting themselves. Sad to hear it but I bet you we have all been there. We’ve all done it. I know the lesson I walked away with from that event was to aim to not do that again.

5. Trust but take appropriate action and learn

Too many people put way too much faith in things just working out. I’m all for positive psychology but it does mean that we each need to take some responsibility. I’m sorry is cheap. It may feel hard to say but in the end it’s rather empty. If you’re going to say you’re sorry be prepared to own what you’re sorry for and take responsibility. I’m sorry it didn’t work out says nothing. Did you want it to work out? Or did you sit there watching a slow car crash resigning yourself to some easy out excuse like “it wasn’t meant to work out”, ” it’s way too hard”, “life just doesn’t get me”. Life gives us many lessons but the key lesson in everything is to recognise where we have to take responsibility and own up. Decisions in life are actually pretty easy. If we don’t want something we have two choices: 1. let it go because we are 100% sure it was wrong and 2. do work because what’s needed is action. Sometimes we can do work in the moment and sometimes we have to do work alone. It doesn’t matter. What’s key is that we don’t take easy ways out all the time and blame others for lack of trust in ourselves. Learning is the key to everything. Learning about yourself and others gives you trust and confidence to face anything, it helps you be the wonderful partner you expect to have one day. First thought, you need to be one yourself.  If nothing else, this little change will leave you with faith that having done all you could, being honest and real with others and life, you are living on course and life is in fact easy. Then you can just accept what is and trust that life gives you what you need most in any moment.

Get Productive includes over thirty exercises you can do yourself to help you figure out what you want, to identify where your mind may have fooled you, to help you fix important relationships and to restore balance into your life and deep harmony.

A friend of mine, did one of the exercises entitled Work, Play, Relationship Juice and proudly told me her whole life was about work. I listened patiently and with love and understanding and wondered what kind of life would this give her over the next twenty, thirty years and her partner. And I grew very sad inside for I truly love and care about this person. Listening to people’s regrets on their death bed, captured by Bronnie Ware, an Australian nurse I wondered about my friend. Bronnie’s research said the top five regrets were:

• not having the courage to to stand up to other people’s expectations and live the life you wanted
• not choosing to work less
• not having the courage to say how you truly feel
• not making relationships a priority
• not allowing/choosing to be happier at every moment instead of saving it up for one day

I’d add another one. Letting the person that truly loves you walk away which is a likely results of doing the above.

If you or someone you love, is living a life that is on course for regrets, it is your job to speak up. It may not be easy to do and they may not like hearing it. You may risk upsetting the person. Maybe give them a link to Bonnie’s work as a starting point. The true magic in life, is for each of us to recognise our own learning needs. Sometimes it’s a bitter pill to swallow but the good news is that it’s never too late. We all get into poor habits and we all have an amazing power to conquer them when we love ourselves enough to believe we are worth it. I know in my personal life, I can do better with my own work/life balance and so that’s what I’m focusing on now.

The post Simple truths about life and tools for doing better appeared first on Make Time Count.

Last year while a holiday with two great friends and in need of emotional healing, I set off on a morning hike with the explicit intention to have nature provide me with signs or put it another way, I opened my mind and heart to let whatever came speak to me. I vowed to pay attention and accept anything that showed up which my mind noticed on my journey. The trek turned out many magical signs indeed. I brought some paper and pen so that I would write them down and what I felt they meant. Later, back at the lodge, I wrote up a summary and read it to my two friends, tears strolling down my cheeks coming to terms with a loss and finding hope and inner strength to get through life with faith and belief that love always prevails.

Couple of days ago, I repeated the exercise, having arrived to a lovely prairie of Cornwall – it’s how the locals talk about Coverack.  A tiny but absolutely gorgeous cove on the Lyzard peninsula, Coverack is both remote and amazingly peaceful. Life here moves at a different pace entirely. The beach reveals itself only around ten am after you had a chance to have some coffee and maybe even breakfast. A few folks still swim in the water which is actually pretty good temperature. Though, conveniently, I forgot my swimming suit I have managed to dip my toes and legs in the sea twice since my arrival.

But this blog is about my experience of signs. So, what were the signs that showed up for me on this journey of openness to receive? The first sign was a black and white dog playing on the shore of the sea. His name, as I found out from the owner, was Bobby. Bobby was very jolly and his joy and play reminded me of the simplicity of  life and the need to give into it and enjoy it in every moment. I arrived heavy hearted to the retreat but there was nothing to be done about that. Staying in the present moment and enjoying the sunshine and the peacefulness of the cove was honoring the present moment and Bobby was my reminder of that. In coaching world we talk a lot about resistance and responsiveness. Working with the flow of life or against it. Bobby was responsive and his lightness and fun was inviting me to do the same. I smiled and was grateful for the invitation.

My next sign came few hours later in the form of two large stuffies in a  lovely local café where I had a Cornish scone and cream. I have a particular fondness for them and a recent memory of a special scone party I shared with one of the most dearest people in my life. But nothing beats locally baked Cornish scones. They are very tasty and mine came as a reward to a successful morning’s day of work on my next book. The two giant cuddly stuffies were in shape of giant dogs perched around one of the tables.  I wasn’t sitting there very long when a young couple came in with two children. The lady of the house took both stuffies and set them down next to their little boy who was maybe four or five years old and in need of entertainment. She told him about their respective names and that they wished to keep him company but that they had already eaten their big meal so he shouldn’t feed them. It was pure magic. The stuffies transformed a crying, angry boy into a calm little angel with a smile.  For me, the two dog toys were a sign of love and cuddles we all need in life not just as kids but also as adults. For a moment, I wished I was that boy and then immediately my thoughts went to someone else in my life that I wish had such a toy right now. Sometimes people in our lives are so in need of love they can be blind to it being present on other people. Stuffies are safer. They can’t talk back or offer a counter argument. They are just there. The stuffies reminded me about the humanity of people everywhere and their need to feel loved and cherished. Sometimes the fear of having found such love and/or the fear of not deserving it can make people do strange and hurtful things. The sign reminded me that while we can love deeply, each of us has to learn to face love with courage and trust we have for a stuffy toy. Courage to trust that love others express for us won’t hurt us for it would be hurting itself too.

My third sign came to me while I returned to work on my book in the cabin. A lovely bird whose name I don’t know, had been hanging out on my patio all morning and this afternoon he ventured into my living room space. Totally cheeky you might think and very courageous. The bird chose to come in on its own giving me the gift of his presence. I only noticed him when from a corner of my eye I spied a rather big black object dotting happily around the living room carpet.  The presence of this little bird reminded me of my old mentor who told me that to enjoy a butterfly one should never cup one’s hands. To me the presence of this bird in my living space symbolized the deep need for respect of other people and their choices: our ability to enjoy what we can share with others without forcing or controlling the moment in any way. As adults, we are constantly making choices that are the best choices for us. This bird felt like nature’s way of reminding me about the reward one can obtain for letting go and allowing things to come on their own terms when they wish to do so. A difficult and painful lesson to learn when what we often want is to hold on to something or someone we love very much. For love to work a person has to feel and be wanted above everything else.  Love is a complete surrender. Half open hearts need not apply.

The fourth sign in my awareness for the day was the ever changing Cornish sky. If you have ever been to Cornwall, you will know that one can have sun and rain four or five times in a given day. This was certainly true on this day as the sky went from overcast to sunny every half hour. The ever-changing nature of the sky reminded me about the cyclical nature of life: the ups and downs that we go through and the acceptance and faith that is needed inside us to face the clouds and believe that sunshine will come at some stage. It is a total process of Faith. A difficult but important lesson to learn.

My final sign was a flower bee, buzzing about collecting nectar from the flowers on the patio. The bee whizzed around from one flower to another that would give it what it needed, never failing to honor its purpose which is to pollinate flowers and collect food.  The bee’s actions reminded me about the power of practicing detachment with love: a way to let everything come and go in life as it is never ours to keep. The bee reminded me about a famous tale that talks about a man that discovers that everything he has on earth has been on loan to him to enjoy but which he can never take with him. In the story, the man wakes up each morning grateful to God that he still has his precious possessions and enjoys them with complete absorption each moment knowing they may not be there the next day. If you have a person in your life who showers you with that level of gratitude, you are truly lucky. In the meantime, tell someone in your life how lucky you are because of their presence in your life.

This bee was that sign for me. A sign of gratitude. A sing of reminder that people come and go from our lives on their own paths to collect nectar for their life. We can enjoy their beauty and company for as long as that’s meant to be before they decide to take off again. Occasionally, they may choose to stay around for a lifetime in a form of best friends and loving partners and that’s incredibly special. A true mystery of life. Someone I care deeply about told me that soul mates are many. I disagree.  I think as one goes through life, there comes a time when a person comes along what is a very special someone – a true soul mate. It’s as if you and this person’s energy came from the same source and you manage to find each other in spite of the apparent randomness of life. When you’re lucky to find them do what you can to treasure and cherish them for as long as you have together. Honour them and make them your priority. Life is terribly short in the scheme of things and those people are far more important than jobs, careers and personal plans that will isolate you from the best part of yourself.

If you would like to try a similar exercise, you may wish to get a copy of my book, Get Productive. In it, you will find an exercise called Random Walk which is very similar to what I write about in this blog. In the book you will find many short, practical and simple to do exercises to help you figure out what’s truly important, what you really want to say to the world around you and to help you gain strength. I wish you peace and success in whatever you do.

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